How Non-Sexual Intimacy Can Make Or Break A Relationship

Let me begin this post by saying I actually have no idea how many men will read it. I say that because my experience online has been that the likes and comments I get typically come much more from females than males. But I figured what the heck, I’m going to post this anyway.

So, my question for you men out there is: how much does non-sexual intimacy matter to you in your relationship with your special woman? If your answer is anything less than “a lot” (or at least something like “ I know it should mean more, but I’m not sure how to get there”), then I encourage you to hear me out.

In the process, you will end up with a chance to take less time than it took me personally to really “get” how terrific non-sexual intimacy really is with the right partner. Oh, and BTW: in case it isn’t obvious, non-sexual intimacy can be either physical or verbal. Examples of physical non-sexual intimacy include warm hugs, holding hands, and massages. Verbal forms of non-sexual intimacy include expressions of appreciation, respect, gratitude, and specialness, either spoken directly out loud, or expressed through a card or something else you write by hand.

Now if you ask me fellow men out there, there are three great reasons to cultivate more non-sexual intimacy with your special woman:

🔶Number one: maybe you already know this (and if you don’t, give yourself a chance to find out), but moments of physical non-sexual intimacy can be great for stress management (for both you AND her).

🔶Number two: chances are–not guaranteed, but chances are—you will end up with more regular sexual relations (which may or may not become more frequent, but perhaps at least likely more consistent). But here’s the best reason of all:

🔶Number three: non-sexual intimacy can over time heighten the bond between the two of you above and beyond the realm of sexual intimacy, into what can become FOUNDATIONAL relationship intimacy! And that’s the best thing of all for you and your special woman to share!

What do you think? In my opinion, this is a really important subject to explore. Why does most therapy seem to cater to the female demographic only? Why aren’t more men sharing their feelings and being emotionally available (and proud of it)?

I think we have a ways to go as a society to accept that all genders are emotional creatures and erase the stigma of being a “manly man” or not. Men, like women, should be multi-faceted. I explore this idea more in my previous post about what makes a real man; check that out here.

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When Arguing, What’s Your True Priority—WINNING OR RESOLVING? [Featuring Four Practical Steps For Positive Resolution]

What follows is for any important relationship you are in, or someone you know is in: romantic love, parent-child, other family members, or platonic friendship.

Let’s suppose you and someone with whom you are in a relationship argue often. Or, you don’t argue very often, but when you do, it can get nasty and contentious. What typically transpires, of course, is that you both go back and forth on the subject of the argument, e.g., money, domestic upkeep, keeping commitments, loyalty, et cetera.  Typical too, though, is the basic underlying message you are each giving each other, regardless of the subject being argued: it’s “I’m right, you’re wrong—and it really pisses me off that you don’t see it my way!”  

Well, ever heard of Newton’s Third Law—you know, the old ‘every action produces an equal and opposite reaction?’  When applying Newton’s Third Law to what l’ll call Human-Relationship Physics, what you can guarantee is happening is that each time one of you is emphatically taking the uncompromising “I’m right, you’re wrong!” position, that’s pretty much reflexively triggering an equal and opposite “No, I’m right, YOU’RE wrong!” position right back!  And round and round can this vicious Newtonian circle go, until one or both or one of you either says something truly mean and things get ugly, or one of you leaves the situation, until the next battle begins, an hour, a day, or a week later.

The question I now ask you is this: by holding on tightly to your “I’m right!” position, what did you win?  Did you get the other person to agree with you? Chances are maybe you forced their hand to agree on a rare occasion, but I doubt anything more constructive than that. Worse, did you and that person do anything at all truly healthy for the relationship? Did you grow together and nurture healthy habits? Obviously not—which is of course very easy for both parties to completely lose sight of during those Newtonian episodes (hey, when you come from an immediate family of quite a few arguers and arguments like I did, you know this stuff all too well, I guarantee you).

So, what can you do to try and nip these episodes in the bud?  Easier said than done for sure!  But, it truly begins with both of you committing to prioritizing RESOLVING over winning.  Practically speaking, resolving can involve the following diffusing steps:    

1)  Listening for what may be some legitimacy in the other person’s position.            

2)  Acknowledging the person’s feeling of the moment, e.g., “Hey, I assure you I see how angry/aggravated you are right now!”             

3) Challenging both of you TOGETHER about how much you’re hurting each other by staying on the attack, e.g., “but hey, can we agree to try and resolve this without hurting each other so much, like we keep doing?”             

4) Deciding together at that moment to either take a self-calming and de-escalating time out, or proceed to have a constructive discussion where intense anger and resentment are kept under control.

Should the two of you—with practice— manage to accomplish that last step, I encourage you to think in positive Newtonian terms of your accomplishment. You together switched the “I’m right, you’re wrong!” action/reaction PROBLEM into the “Hey, let’s really try to resolve this!” action/reaction RESOLUTION!

Oh, and one more thing: try reminding each other that you need to stop acting like adversaries if not enemies, because you supposedly love each other!