Coping With Major Life Changes: What Is Transitional Anxiety Syndrome?

I don’t know about you, but I was never a big fan of major change. Or to put that slightly differently, I’ve never been a great role-model of coping well with making major life transitions.   Now, when I say the words “major transitions”—over the course of adult life– I’m especially referring to six possible ones:

  1. Starting a new job or leaving one;
  2. Getting married or at least moving in together, or ending the relationship;
  3. Changing home residence;
  4. Entering retirement;
  5. Having children who are about to leave the nest; and
  6. Making a sexual identity transition ( Becoming more and more relevant in this day and age)

What they all share in common though are two things.  One, there’s plenty of room for anxiety kicking in all along the way, before and during the transition. And two, every major transition involves some significant shift in level and type of responsibility.  Put these two things together, and you get: the more significant the shift in responsibility is after the transition, the higher the level of anxiety that will be triggered.  To the point where if this responsibility shift feels overwhelming, well, guess what: the anxiety can become overwhelming, at least temporarily anyway.

(As a little aside, and true confession: when I made the transition decades ago from completing my Ph.D. program into my first career job as a staff psychologist, I—quite unexpectedly—got so overwhelmed about how much more responsibility I now had that I basically suffered a psychological breakdown.  Fortunately, a year of terrific therapy and a bit of medication got me back on my feet.  And while I certainly haven’t had a breakdown over major transitions since then, believe me, my transitional-anxiety gremlin can still pack a punch when it wants to!)

So, what determines just how anxious you’ll get before and during a major transition? I’ve given this subject a lot of thought over the years, including looking back on my own experience just described above.  

Here are the four variables that I believe play a huge role in determining whether transitional anxiety will be manageable versus overwhelming:

  1. Being a worrier by nature;
  2. Having relatively low self-confidence in the transitional area;
  3. Having relatively low self-worth overall;
  4. Having a limited or unreliable support system.  

Put these four together, and you get: the more you are a worrier by nature, have relatively low self-confidence in the transitional area, have relatively low self-worth overall, and have a limited or unreliable support system, then the more vulnerable you are to your Transitional Anxiety becoming overwhelming rather than manageable.  

Transitional Anxiety Syndrome (TAS) Is the term I use to describe transitional anxiety crossing the line from manageable to overwhelming.

So, what can you do if you develop TAS over a major life transition?  I offer you a little menu of options, at least some of which I used to help myself through my own TAS described above:

  1. Utilize a plentiful supply of mindful meditation and healthy physical outlets like exercise or gardening;
  2. Read up on anything informative and insightful related to your particular transition;
  3. Speak to anyone you know who has gone through a similar transition;
  4. Make sure to give yourself a little pat on the back each day for your courage and any little accomplishments of the day;
  5. Reach out for support, encouragement, and comfort from anyone in your life who you feel confident can provide you that; and last but not least
  6. Certainly keep yourself open, like I did, to options for professional help (therapy/counseling and possibly medication too).

Care to share any experiences YOU may have had with TAS? For more advice on coping with anxiety, check out some of my recent free videos on the subject or one of my books.

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How Non-Sexual Intimacy Can Make Or Break A Relationship

Let me begin this post by saying I actually have no idea how many men will read it. I say that because my experience online has been that the likes and comments I get typically come much more from females than males. But I figured what the heck, I’m going to post this anyway.

So, my question for you men out there is: how much does non-sexual intimacy matter to you in your relationship with your special woman? If your answer is anything less than “a lot” (or at least something like “ I know it should mean more, but I’m not sure how to get there”), then I encourage you to hear me out.

In the process, you will end up with a chance to take less time than it took me personally to really “get” how terrific non-sexual intimacy really is with the right partner. Oh, and BTW: in case it isn’t obvious, non-sexual intimacy can be either physical or verbal. Examples of physical non-sexual intimacy include warm hugs, holding hands, and massages. Verbal forms of non-sexual intimacy include expressions of appreciation, respect, gratitude, and specialness, either spoken directly out loud, or expressed through a card or something else you write by hand.

Now if you ask me fellow men out there, there are three great reasons to cultivate more non-sexual intimacy with your special woman:

🔶Number one: maybe you already know this (and if you don’t, give yourself a chance to find out), but moments of physical non-sexual intimacy can be great for stress management (for both you AND her).

🔶Number two: chances are–not guaranteed, but chances are—you will end up with more regular sexual relations (which may or may not become more frequent, but perhaps at least likely more consistent). But here’s the best reason of all:

🔶Number three: non-sexual intimacy can over time heighten the bond between the two of you above and beyond the realm of sexual intimacy, into what can become FOUNDATIONAL relationship intimacy! And that’s the best thing of all for you and your special woman to share!

What do you think? In my opinion, this is a really important subject to explore. Why does most therapy seem to cater to the female demographic only? Why aren’t more men sharing their feelings and being emotionally available (and proud of it)?

I think we have a ways to go as a society to accept that all genders are emotional creatures and erase the stigma of being a “manly man” or not. Men, like women, should be multi-faceted. I explore this idea more in my previous post about what makes a real man; check that out here.

When Arguing, What’s Your True Priority—WINNING OR RESOLVING? [Featuring Four Practical Steps For Positive Resolution]

What follows is for any important relationship you are in, or someone you know is in: romantic love, parent-child, other family members, or platonic friendship.

Let’s suppose you and someone with whom you are in a relationship argue often. Or, you don’t argue very often, but when you do, it can get nasty and contentious. What typically transpires, of course, is that you both go back and forth on the subject of the argument, e.g., money, domestic upkeep, keeping commitments, loyalty, et cetera.  Typical too, though, is the basic underlying message you are each giving each other, regardless of the subject being argued: it’s “I’m right, you’re wrong—and it really pisses me off that you don’t see it my way!”  

Well, ever heard of Newton’s Third Law—you know, the old ‘every action produces an equal and opposite reaction?’  When applying Newton’s Third Law to what l’ll call Human-Relationship Physics, what you can guarantee is happening is that each time one of you is emphatically taking the uncompromising “I’m right, you’re wrong!” position, that’s pretty much reflexively triggering an equal and opposite “No, I’m right, YOU’RE wrong!” position right back!  And round and round can this vicious Newtonian circle go, until one or both or one of you either says something truly mean and things get ugly, or one of you leaves the situation, until the next battle begins, an hour, a day, or a week later.

The question I now ask you is this: by holding on tightly to your “I’m right!” position, what did you win?  Did you get the other person to agree with you? Chances are maybe you forced their hand to agree on a rare occasion, but I doubt anything more constructive than that. Worse, did you and that person do anything at all truly healthy for the relationship? Did you grow together and nurture healthy habits? Obviously not—which is of course very easy for both parties to completely lose sight of during those Newtonian episodes (hey, when you come from an immediate family of quite a few arguers and arguments like I did, you know this stuff all too well, I guarantee you).

So, what can you do to try and nip these episodes in the bud?  Easier said than done for sure!  But, it truly begins with both of you committing to prioritizing RESOLVING over winning.  Practically speaking, resolving can involve the following diffusing steps:    

1)  Listening for what may be some legitimacy in the other person’s position.            

2)  Acknowledging the person’s feeling of the moment, e.g., “Hey, I assure you I see how angry/aggravated you are right now!”             

3) Challenging both of you TOGETHER about how much you’re hurting each other by staying on the attack, e.g., “but hey, can we agree to try and resolve this without hurting each other so much, like we keep doing?”             

4) Deciding together at that moment to either take a self-calming and de-escalating time out, or proceed to have a constructive discussion where intense anger and resentment are kept under control.

Should the two of you—with practice— manage to accomplish that last step, I encourage you to think in positive Newtonian terms of your accomplishment. You together switched the “I’m right, you’re wrong!” action/reaction PROBLEM into the “Hey, let’s really try to resolve this!” action/reaction RESOLUTION!

Oh, and one more thing: try reminding each other that you need to stop acting like adversaries if not enemies, because you supposedly love each other!

Overcoming Emotional Trauma: A Menu For Healing The Hurt That Holds You Back

Growing up, I was emotionally hurt a lot.  Although I was an only child, my parents were so caught up in their own troubles and struggles that I managed to end up not fitting the stereotypes of an only child.  Meaning not only was I not spoiled and catered to, on the contrary: I was outright neglected.  Plus, my parents fought like cats and dogs (on a slightly lighter note, I would describe them as the understudies for the Costanzas on Seinfeld — except in real life, it was anything but funny to regularly witness, as I figure you can imagine).

All that arguing inevitably left me with plenty of core anxiety and insecurity—no surprise there, right? So, that was the essence of my emotional hurt growing up: a mix of deep feelings of neglect (accompanied by feelings of being unlovable), plus significant amounts of insecurity and anxiety; hurt that left me vulnerable to what I came to think of as my inner bully’s “double whammy” of potential self-sabotage.  Meaning: on the one hand, I am aware of my having an emotional core of hypersensitivity and over-reactivity to feeling betrayed and/or rejected. Yet on the other hand, I am equally aware I have a piece inside of me—a piece I learned from watching my parents argue so much—to pseudo-compensate for feeling hurt by all too quickly going to anger.

I tell you all of this for two reasons. First, so I can now follow it up by sharing with you how I know firsthand what the incredible benefits are that you can get from being in the right therapy with the right therapist (it took me quite a while, but I eventually found him, thankfully).  Am I no longer hypersensitive and over-reactive? Certainly these self-sabotaging tendencies are not gone entirely by any means, but I’m clear as daylight that I have come a long way in controlling them—especially, and most importantly, in the face of situational triggers.

Am I no longer prone to outbursts of anger?  I can’t say they never occur, but I can unequivocally and unhesitatingly say they occur a lot less, and manifest much more often than not in an increasingly controlled manner.

So, what’s my “secret” here, to use this overused term?  It’s called HEALING. No, my painful emotional wounds certainly are not 100% healed; some scars do for sure remain. But my confidence in my ability to comfort myself and be resilient in the face of feeling betrayed or rejected, as well as in my ability to keep my anger in check have never been stronger.  And to what do I attribute my healing?  Here’s my “menu” for success.

First, again, being with the right therapy/therapist. Then, add all of the following items: having the incredible good fortune to still love my work, learning self-comfort tools, turning to my robust network of great friends for support (while making sure to give it back to them as needed, too), performing acts of kindness and courage, allowing displays of  vulnerability at the right time to the right people, getting a good laugh a day (and a good cry when needed), and, last but not least, staying as active, healthy, and playful as I have the luxury and ability to be.

So: care to share where YOU are on the healing front?

Learn more about my journey to overcoming my Inner Bully and tackling Self-Sabotage by checking out my two published books, browsing my recent blog posts, and connecting with me on my Instagram and Facebook pages. Oh, and I encourage you to download a FREE chapter from my book: you can find the link to download that here!

Learn to Love Yourself: The Four Components of Self-Love

“Learn to love yourself!” Wonderful and inspiring words, but certainly can sometimes be a challenge to do, right? Well, the way I have come to see it in recent years, if you want to feel more self-love, It can really help if you feel positively about yourself in the following four areas:

  • Self-liking;
  • Self-respect;
  • Self-enjoyment; and
  • Self-comfort.

Let’s dive deeper into each one of those components.

Self-Liking

Self-liking describes the positive, likable personality traits and qualities you see yourself as having.  These could be anything from intelligent, to outgoing, ambitious, kind, a good listener, devoted, energetic, or funny. Self-liking expresses the things you are good at and the good that others may see in you as well.

Self-Respect

Self-respect describes anything you feel you are accomplishing in your life—most certainly including the “little things” you do each day that are worthy of giving yourself a little bit of credit or acknowledgment for.  These can include: making the effort, self control over a self-defeating habit, an act of kindness, something that took some creativity, meeting a goal you had set, and—last but not least—an act of courage.

Self-Enjoyment

Self-enjoyment describes anything you do that allows you to entertain and enjoy yourself.  It could be through watching a funny show, writing something creative, making people laugh or telling an entertaining story, or being out in nature.

Self-Comfort

Self-comfort encompasses anything you do to compassionately comfort and soothe yourself when you are emotionally (or physically) hurting.  This can include things like taking a warm bath, listening to peaceful music or a meditation recording, reading something comforting or reassuring, making a list of what you like and respect about yourself, or—certainly not for everyone, but in my view so worth trying at least once —taking some kind of a furry stuffed animal or person (or even a pillow), holding it in your arms, imagining that it is you, and saying the kind of comforting and reassuring things you would say to a real live person you know who is hurting. 

In other words, in a nutshell, the clearer you can become that there are things you like about yourself, you respect about yourself, you enjoy doing in your own company, and you do to effectively comfort yourself, the more you will know your self-love is where you want it to be. But if you feel you fall short in any of these four areas, at least this can help you identify what you want to work on to get your self-love to that loving place. And if I may just add, a place I am grateful for and is a better place than it ever has been.

Feel like sharing where YOU are on the self-love front?  Leave a comment, or visit my Instagram or Facebook page for more on this subject!

inner bully

How To Shift Your Self-Judgement: A Technique To Overcome Your Inner Bully

I’d like to share with you something I’ve been practicing lately. Cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT), as some of you may know, teaches us that we can practice challenging our negative thinking—including negative self-judgments—by pointing out to ourselves the irrationalities, over-generalizations, and incorrect assumptions in our minds that are creating and perpetuating the toxic negative thinking. Sometimes that approach works just fine. But in enough instances, I find it doesn’t work so well. For example, suppose you are mired in self-critical judgments like “I’m pretty stupid!” or “I’m fat and ugly!” or “I’m so undeserving of being loved!” These, what I call “inner bully,” harsh self-judgments can be pretty darn impenetrable to internal cognitive challenging, like what is practiced in CBT.


So, let me suggest an alternative strategy to getting control over negative self-judgments like these. The strategy involves switching the focus in your mind off of the distressing negative self-judgment you are caught up in, and onto what you are FEELING at that moment. I think it’s safe to say there are certain feelings that almost always create highly self-critical judgment—feelings like: sadness, anxiety, disappointment, frustration, hurt, or irritation.

The point is: what I’ve been preaching—and practicing—is mindfully shifting a negative self-judgment into one of those honest feelings. For example, suppose your inner bully has you saying to yourself something like “Jeez, you really are pretty stupid sometimes!” What you practice doing at those moments is switching immediately to telling yourself what you are really feeling, e.g., “I’m feeling sad right now” or “I’m feeling disappointed right now”—or anxious, or hurt, or pissed off, or jealous, or whatever. By doing this, you are replacing toxic negative self-judgment with a totally NON-judgmental, totally human feeling, one that exists in your emotional core because it belongs there at the moment.

Try it—and just see if like me, you feel like you are giving yourself a golden opportunity to bypass going cognitive with your negative self-judging; and instead, to cut right to non-judgmental honest feeling!

The Self-Worth Equation: Why The Little Things Make All The Difference

When I think of a way to describe the meaning of the term “emotional self-worth,” I go with the following equation: self-worth equals self-esteem plus self-respect. Let me take each of those two separately. On the self-esteem front , I look at self-esteem as having two parts: the “outer” (how you feel about how you look on the outside) and the “inner” (what you like about you personally on the inside).

As a little aside to that distinction, I truly wish that for true self-esteem, we could all make the “inner” part count a lot more than the “outer” part! But socialization and conditioning in our society being what they are, it makes it tough for that to happen, right? Oh well, and now to self-respect, which I’ll define here as anything you feel you’re accomplishing in your life, especially the “little things.”

Examples of “little things”— which as you’ll see in a moment really aren’t the least bit little at all—are things like pushing yourself and making the effort, exercising self-control over self-defeating habits, doing an act of kindness, taking care of your body and your health, reaching some goal you set, being creative and/or doing something really fun, and— last but certainly not least— engaging in act of courage.

These are the kinds of “little things” that we all could do ourselves a big favor by acknowledging even one of them that we may have done that day before we go to sleep at night! These days I’m thankfully feeling pretty good about myself on all three fronts (I assure you a lot of personal work has gone into making that happen)!

So next time you are judging yourself or worried about your value, remember the equation: Self-worth = Self-esteem + Self-respect!

inner bully

Feel Like You Are Never Good Enough? Learn My Secrets To Challenging Your Inner Bully [Because I’ve Done It, Too]


Are you challenged by the belief that you are “never good enough?” Well, my friends, I guarantee you: been there, done that myself, for enough decades of my life!

Only in maybe the past 5 years have I become clear that my—I call it, and wrote a book on it—“inner bully” had kept me puffing away on a “never good enough” emotional treadmill. Meanwhile, in the process of trying so hard to see myself as “good enough”—better yet, good, much less very good—I was very successfully disregarding my actual successes in my life, be they, e.g., professionally, academically, or inter-personally.

Photo by Inzmam Khan on Pexels.com

Ever wonder how the “never good enough” (NGE) bully takes control of your thinking? Or in other words, are you clear where this bully get its strength from? Maybe this is obvious, but just in case it isn’t: it gets its strength mainly from two things: 1) being negatively compared a lot to, e.g., your siblings or your friends; and 2) getting either lots of “yes/but” pseudo-compliments (e.g., “Yes you did well, BUT if you had worked harder you could’ve done better!”) or almost no compliments or praise at all. And as a little P.S. here, all it takes to feel NGE is to have had one parent be like this, even if the other parent did exactly the opposite, and gave you steady doses of praise, compliments, and encouragement!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So what do I recommend you practice doing to stand up to your NGE bully? First, in case you get caught up in this a lot (like I so often did), you need to stop comparing yourself to other people! Then (as I have posted previously) do something I make myself do and encourage my clients to do: just before bedtime, take a couple of moments to list at least one thing you did that day that falls in any of the following categories:

🔸an act of kindness;

🔸a goal met;

🔸worked hard at something important;

🔸something creative and/or fun;

🔸an act of courage.

Because as long as you are doing these kinds of things in your life, you are always better than “good enough”. In fact, you are actually a quite GOOD person, even a VERY good person. Time to stand up to your inner bully and start believing that, once and for all!

For more on standing up to your Inner Bully, join me for a FREE Expert Panel Discussion on March 12th at 2 pm; simply click below to register a spot and be a part of the conversation!